I went to the gym today in between classes (11:00) just for a short 30 min bike ride. After wards I was sitting on the blue mat, stretching, thinking to myself, when I looked out the front door to see this girl sitting in front of the large mirror, in a very cute workout outfit, getting ready for the day. Putting on make-up, flat ironing her hair, make it look perfect and adding the final touch of hair spray, etc... As I sat there watching I assumed that she had recently finished her work out and was now getting ready for classes. I continued to watch her almost in awe as she perfected herself. I then took a look at myself in the mirror, looking like I just arose from the dead. Thinking about how I ran out the door for work at 4 in the morning, slept with wet hair last night, threw some clothes one, and now sweated up a storm, and with no intention of fixing much when i was done. As I continued to think, I came up with my wish list in my head.
I wish I was able to look really cute when I work out, be gung-ho about it work-out for hours at a time then end the therapy session by taking a shower and having my bathroom essentially with me in my locker so I would walk out like I was walking down the red carpet.
I wish that I enjoyed running, that way I would have a some goal or purpose I could achieve with all the time I would spend in the gym. (ie marathon, 5K)
I wish that I was a more organized put together person who has everything in a cute and proper bin, and always had laundry done, dinners made, everything fixed and cleaned.
I wish my desire to become more spiritual and faithful in the gospel actually surfaced into action instead of a thought that crosses my mind
I wish that when you tried to do such things, that they just happened, because you tried, and that was all that mattered.
Then reality sank in...
I don't have time to work-out hours in a day. I have two jobs and go to school full time, When I do have time it is short, and certainly not the desired therapy session I wish for, but a quick run in and out to say you did it.
I hate running, with a passion. I know Provo is the city for running, but I cant stand it. I get bored very quickly, and out of all physical activities, nothing flares up my exercised induced asthma more than running.
I am far from organized, nothing is put away in cute bin or any bin for that matter. My house is always a mess, and the time I do get to clean it, that last thing I want to do with my limited free time is clean!!
I am failing with my spiritual life, not because I don't care but because for years I have struggled to feel like I need to fit in one more thing in my life. I have a great desire, but fail miserably to put my thoughts into action
Ok so this was not meant to be a rant or a poor Stephanie time, and yes everything is ok I am not upset, or blue, so do worry mom, I was just thinking today about how I wish things were and how they really are. I also came to the conclusion, that although I could always improve in all areas of my life, my wishes are not just wishes because of a lack of desire or trying. I have tried, I do try, and will continue to try. I just hope sometimes that trying was all it takes.
14 years ago
6 comments:
You are still beautiful to me honey. :)
Stephanie- Are you a list-maker? I am! It certainly helps me get through the times where everything feels stagnant with disorganization and a lack of motivation. When I make lists they are like setting goals for myself for my day or week and I revel in getting to cross the items off. Lately I've been giving myself one cleaning/organization project each weekend and it seems to be working! Up until now I've dreaded looking in our closets which still contain almost empty packing boxes with last bits of items to be put away. Now, each weekend I tackle one closet, one drawer in the kitchen, etc and the load seems less burdensome. You should try it out! This could help with a couple of the areas you mentioned: keeping the house neat and your spiritual struggles. If you give yourself one small section of the house to create an organization system for or a ritual for how to keep it clean, give yourself the challenge to keep it neat for 1 week. If that works, make it 2 and so on. For spiritual development, think about 3 goals you would like to achieve and then jot down a few reasons why achieving those goals has seemed difficult. Each week, work to eliminate one of those challenges. When you break things up into smaller pieces the overall task at hand doesn't seem so overwhelming.
I hope this helps! You can do it, Stephanie!!
Steph do I need to make you a copy of the letter you gave me before I moved back to wa? I will gladly copy it for you and send it to you. You are such an incredible person. Don't get down on yourself. God has many wonderful plans in store for each of us. We just need to trust in him. Don't stress about the future because remember the Lord has been there before us. I know how you feel about having enough time to go to gym, have a clean home, and look beautiful doing it....believe me I live this desire every day but I just remember that I have a loving husband, who loves me for who I am and that He chose me to spend the eternities with, I love you Steph. You are an incredible, loving, caring, and outgoing spontaneous person that I know. Keep your head held high. And focus on whats important to you and your loving husband. Remember you are never alone.
Stephanie, if you could do all those things, you'd be perfect. Who wants to be perfect?! Life would be boring. I love your honesty in this post. It's a true, candid shot of how we all feel now and then. I appreciate your friendship and think you're a wonderful person. I found as my life has evolved and priorities have shifted, things like "cute bins or any bin for that matter" are unimportant. And I agree with Zoey, lists can be really helpful! If you're looking to make some minor adjustments, start small and don't run faster than you have strength. Pray for ways to productively utilize what little time you do have. But remember, at the end of the day, you are loved for who you are, not what you accomplish. :)
at least i am not alone with these same toughts....
Oh my! To my daughters...who are born of a "grasshopper"...who always wished she was an "Ant". But, now at almost "50" am embracing my "grasshopper-ness" And if we could change the ending of the infamous fable, it would go like this...The grasshopper is on her way home, it is winter and snowing, and the grasshopper is having conversations in her head and is wearing a light jacket, because she can't find her coat(which is burried under the debris in her room and there was no time to look, because she stayed up too late talking with friends and helping them and connecting with them) therefore leaving no time to get organized for the next day. She grabbed a piece of cold pizza and soda as she walked out the door because she didn't stop at the store the night before....she didn't "feel" like it.(you see grasshoppers do what they "feel")Then suddenly the door opens where the "Ants" live and the Queen Ant appears and says to the Grasshopper, "We are bored to death" can't you plan a party or read us a story? And our teenagers are trying to decide what to do, do you have any ideas?? The grasshopper replies that she has lots of ideas for all of them and would love to stop her day and come inside to "talk" and "share" her ideas! So, the ant invites her into a spotless kitchen table with paper and pencil(she didn't even have to look for it) the ant also offers her some "home-made" bread fresh from the oven! The Ant asks the Grasshopper how do you come up with all these ideas? "They come to me while taking long hot baths, or I find them on the internet while searching for something "new" and "Fun".(when I actually should be doing the laundry) Girls- I am a "Grasshopper"-I work hard at relationships, teaching, performing to you when you were little, and learning about stuff. I am a grasshopper-It takes me months to dismantle Christmas because its more fun to bring out than put away.(my tree is still up as I write this) I am a Grasshopper- preparing for the winter is hard for me, I don't want to give up everything for a long period of time for the future when I am not certain of the future. I am a grasshopper- I like to watch people and to read "real-true" stories! I like to figure out why people are the way they are....I like to peel onions. :) I like to dance, I like to sing(other people don't like me to sing)but when you guys were little you were my favorite audience! Now, I have had to embrace and learn some "ant" traits to survive and to raise a family. Did I teach you how to be real organized-NO :( Did I teach you how to bake fresh bread-NO :( Did I show you how to have real cute, matching containers in a well decorated home-NO :( I haven't always been comfortable being a grasshopper. I always wondered if I fit in with a community of ants, or a church family of ants, or a family of ants. My discomfort I have realized came from fear of rejection, fear of disapproval, fear that the "ants" would not accept me unless I was just like them. So, I tried real hard to be an ant...most of the time. But, you know what I learned, we are all "equally human", without the atonement of Jesus Christ, our "virtues" whatever they are, whoever you are...Grasshoppers or Ants...are meaningless. Embrace who you are, play with the "Grasshoppers" and learn from the "Ants"! Don't be jealous, don't be discouraged, there is a "time and season" for everything. My prayer for my children is that they continue to take every opportunity to "become" (over time) the best "grasshopper" or "ant" they can. It's ok to be a grasshopper at times and an ant at other times. :) Just be true to who you are and to those talents and gifts that are designed just for YOU! I love you!
-MOM
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