Dreams

I am one of those weird people, who has very vivid dreams. In fact hardly a day goes by that I don't remember one or two dreams I had the night before. I read once that this is because my body doesn't get into a good deep sleep. Not only do I dream, but I often have frighting, or down right weird dreams! I have many dreams of people dying,getting blown up (sorry shirl, or people trying to hurt the ones I love. Sometimes my dreams are weird, like the other day I had a dream that I was leading a group of people who were attempting to attend Marin Luther King JR. Funeral to sing "Amazing Grace" But the government had sent the army to cut off our path in an attempt to cover-up his death, to not let people know... Weird huh??

I would even venture to say that I have had spiritual dreams before. Once in high school, I had a dream that I was sitting in our high school gym during a prep rally of some sorts with the whole school there. I remember that I was sitting with people I recognized as friends, but not specific people (that happens a lot where there is a relationship but not a specific face)I look across to the other side of the gym and there sitting in the middle of the crowd of teenagers, was Jesus Christ. I remember being in awe, and then turning to my "friends" and asking if they see Christ, they looked at me weird and then kinda ignored me. Then I heard Christ's voice speak to me saying that they could not see him, but that he loved all of them. I have this dream written down in one of my journals, but right this moment I cant remember all that was said, but it was a dream that had a big impact on me. I have had a similar dream a couple years ago this time involving my mom and a family friend. Needless to say I think that we can have spiritual moments even in our dreams.

I have been thinking about this because I had a dream last night that was so vivid, and I felt such joy and peace in the dream, even though craziness was happening all around me. I will start off by saying that in the first months of my pregnancy with Julian, I had a dream that I was holding a little boy, with curly dark hair. And then Julian came out with that head full of his precious dark hair (so much so the nurses joked that they could have pulled him out by his hair) Now I am not sure that dream really meant anything, I mean I had a 50/50 chance of the gender for goodness sakes, but I also don't believe in just discarding it either. So to get on about my dream last night. I had a dream that I was in a hospital with our good friends the Colvin family (by the way Colvin's this was the first time you have been in my dreams, welcome to the club! LOL)The whole family was there for the birth of someones baby, and I was pregnant as well. While there I went into labor and it was early and it was happening fast, in fact I ended up having the baby before I was in an "official" room, and out came the most precious baby boy. What was so distinct for me, was how vivid this dream was. ( I usually have some fuzzy parts of a dream)but this one I saw everything this little boy had a face similar to Julian's but his hair was a golden light brown, almost like he had blond highlights. And when I held him I was at such peace. I also had an indescribable feeling of love as I got to introduce Julian to him.

This dream was interesting to me on many different levels. As I thought about the dream today many things stuck out to me. Things about my life now, that perhaps I have been struggling with.

1) We were in a hospital with the Colvins, meaning to me, that we were still living in Utah. I have really struggled to accept that fact that we still live in Utah, with no exit in sight. When I was growing up, this just wasn't the place I wanted to spend forever, or raise my kids. I find my self having a love/hate relationship with Utah. But in this dream it felt like such a place of love, and it gave me the feeling that we are going to be here at least a few years longer so I better strive to have that loving feeling.

2)I have told Jamie from the beginning, that if we had two boys in a row, then I was done! I just couldn't imagine the risk of having a another one after that (I am pretty sure I want three children) and three boys would be just too much for me! However, I have never felt quite a feeling like I did in my dream, when I got to introduce Julian to his little brother. I remember in the dream thinking that this was a good things, and had such love for these two little boys.

3) I would be lying if I didn't admit that there have been many times in the last year where I have told myself, that I am done having kids now! I am just not cut out to be a mother, this is not working the way I had planned! I have really struggled with this concept. Growing up I was the person EVERYONE called to babysit, because I loved it, all ages. I played imaginary house way longer than the average girl does (or probably should for that matter) I have always felt like my gift would be in raising a family. However, lately I have felt that this couldn't be further from the truth. And when I think about it, it's not really about my feelings, but what I would be doing to the children messing up their life, and them having to go to therapy, because mom was not meant to be a mother!

In the dream, the moment I looked at this new baby in my arms it just felt "right" like this is what it is all about, this is what life is all about. I was reminded in the dream that it wasn't easy (soon after introducing Julian to his brother he managed to stick his head in the toilet I think??? ) But even though it wouldn't be easy I could do it, and I could work on being a great mother.

The dream was really magical to me. No I am not pregnant, and don't plan on being anytime real soon, but this dream gave me lots to think about. And even if my next child is a girl, and looks nothing like the child in the dream, I still think this dream held significant meaning in my life. Perhaps, a "turning point" of some sorts.