True Forgivness

I have always prided myself on being someone who forgives, or gives people second chances, sees the good in others. In high school and college, all my friends would tell me that I always gave people second chances, or I saw the good in them. So naturally I have felt that I was the forgiving type.

However, over the last several years, I have realized something about myself. I am a hypocrite! Sure I still give people second chances, I try to think there is something good in everyone, but the truth is, I really don't forgive people. I tell myself that I have forgiven them, but really I store all the anger and pain deep inside myself. Therefore I don't truly forgive them at all. In fact the opposite happens; I find myself alone having all these feeling of anger inside, not directed at a specific person at the time, but just the remnants of all the people who I have "forgiven"

If I sit and think about it I am still angry at high school students, I have anger towards the poor six grade boys that followed the little 3rd grade Stephanie around the playground taunting her telling her she was useless, ugly girl day after day, and the teachers who did nothing about it! I have anger for a family who didn't understand, and friends who looked the other way.

But most of all I have anger towards myself. I am angry that I didn't stand up for myself, didn't care enough for myself. I am angry that I couldn't form the words to make people understand. And I am angry that I let this cancer grow inside of me for 20 years.

A wise women told me 4 years ago that I should write this, but I didn't because I wasn't ready to let go of the anger. But today I am. From this day forward I am living a life of true forgiveness.

And it starts with me.

Stephanie you are forgiven.