This picture couldn't sum up my life any better right now! It has been some of the hardest couple of months of my life. I feel like I am in a cloud of confusion. Jamie and I had a talk on Monday regarding the next stages in our lives, and lets just say it ended in more confusion then before! At least for me!
Jamie mentioned that he feels like he still has more work to do in Provo/Utah. I truly respect and honor Jamie's thought/impression/feelings, but hearing those words was far from what I wanted to hear. As we spoke more, every fiber of my being was fighting against what he had in mind. When I first moved to Utah, I had a four year plan. I decided day one that I was not going to stay here. Now I know I have a lot of great Utahan friends that are thinking right about now. "Whats wrong with Utah" And honestly I can say there isn't a whole bunch "wrong" with Utah, but I never wanted to make Utah a permanent home. So here I am two years past my deadline of four years, and I am itching to move on to a new stage in my life, but I feel stuck.
When I was growing up, one thing that really bothered me was that our family wasn't really close with our extended family, to this day I see cousin, aunts and uncles, maybe every 5-8 years? My friends had these huge family reunions every year, and I was so jealous of that. The thought has been creeping over and over in my mind lately, that with us in Utah, Julian will experience the same thing! ( now with our families I know it wouldn't be as distant, but still!)
Now, you might be thinking "Stephanie just because you stay a few extra years, doesn't mean you will live there forever" And your rational might be correct, but I would feel a whole heck of a lot better about it, if currently I wasn't in a ward with at least 5 family's that have said that 25 years ago they got married and were going to BYU. They had never planned on staying more than a couple years but... 25 years later here they still are!!
On another random area that has been bothering me...
I have never "officially" been diagnosed with dyslexia, but with all my research, I truly believe that I have a mild form of it. How may you ask? Well there are two things that happen to me. Sometimes I am reading out loud and I come to a word. In my head I hear the word perfectly, but when I try to say it out loud, I can't form the words. For example; Julian has this great book about different trucks ( it is his favorite book) It has bright pictures with the names of each truck. So I am reading along out loud to Julian, and I come upon the word (truck) Excavator ( you know those big ol' things that dig up dirt and stuff)Well I looked at the word, and in my mind I knew exactly what the word was, but I tried to say it, and I got stuck, I tried again, and still could not pronounce the word. I had to stop, and slowly go syllable by syllable before I could say it. And then it happened again, when I read it to him the next day! This also happens when I am simply talking. I am in the middle of a convo, when I know exactly what I want to say, but it just doesn't come out right.
So why would I be telling you this? Because it absolutely bothers me when people try to correct me! It makes me embarrassed, and makes me feel stupid. There are times when I truly do not know a word, and I will ask you what word am I thinking about, but if I don't stop and just move on like I didn't notice it, its because I know the word, but I know it wont come out correctly so I move on, hoping the person listening will too! I don't want to stop in the middle of my conversation and go syllable by syllable to correctly say the word. I often think people really just think I am not that smart, or a little slow, and it really bothers me. That's why I wanted to get it out there. Please do not correct me, unless I ask for you help. I have lived with this my whole life, I am about to graduate from college, and I am very aware of my mistakes. But I have also learned a way to cope with it, and to succeed through life, and I don't need someone correcting me every other word!
Any way, I will stop there! There is way more, but somethings don't need to be published. Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get it out there, especially since I don't have a lot of "girl" friends to rant to... that's another story. (Poor Jamie, he wants to fix it, and doesn't understand yet the purpose of woman's rant)
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